Learning to live in close quarters with a person you do not know very well presents a challenge for you. You will want to create an atmosphere that permits studying to get done, relaxation and sleeping to occur, privacy needs to be met, and perhaps allow a deep friendship to develop. All of the above are more likely to happen if the two of you communicate openly and listen willingly. Start by becoming acquainted with each other’s background, attitudes, habits, and moods so you know what to expect of each other. The questions below will help facilitate sharing. Keep in mind that your roommate is not going to be a carbon copy of you. There will be differences. You both need to adjust, accommodate, and compromise. Give it a try!
Questions to ask each other (and yourself!)
§ Begin by getting to know your roommate as a person: Hometown? Career goals? Talents? Hobbies? Likes? Dislikes?
§ What about guests dropping by? How often? How late? Weekend visitors?
§ What time do you go to sleep? What time do you get up? Are you a heavy or a light sleeper? Do you snore?
§ How much do you study? When do you study? How quiet does the room have to be for you to be able to study?
§ At what temperature do you like to keep the room?
§ What kind of music do you prefer? How loud? Can you use headphones?
§ How clean and neat do you want the room? How do we decide who cleans what and when in the room?
§ Which items of your property are OK to borrow? Which are off-limits?
§ How will we set up the room? What about food in the room? Do we share?
§ Keep the lines of communication open. Discuss potential areas of conflict. Be open to compromises. If necessary, make a list of ground rules concerning such issues as music and visits by friends of the opposite sex. This will lessen the chance of arguments over simple misunderstandings.
Download a Roommate Survival Guide here
Download a Roommate Agreement here
Roommate Expectations and Responsibilities
All roommates have the right:
To privacy
To respect
To open communication
To mutually clean living quarters
To personal safety and freedom from physical harm and harassment
To security of possessions
To comfortable sleep and study conditions
To be asked before possessions are used
To stay true to their own values
To agree and disagree
To ask residence life staff for assistance when needed
To be treated civilly
To comfortable living space
To free access to one’s room
To a room free of policy violations
All roommates have the responsibility:
To respect one another’s privacy
To respect themselves and others
To communicate openly with their roommate and discuss potential conflicts before they get out of hand
To keep their living space neat and clan
To assure security of the room
To maintain a comfortable environment for sleep and study purposes
To treat one another’s possessions with care and ask before borrowing personal items
To respect differences
To compromise
To enlist the help of the residence life staff when a difficult roommate situation arises
To be kind and civil with no intent to harm
To check with one another before having guests
To pass on messages to their roommate in a timely manner
To abide by all residence hall rules and regulations
To take ownership and responsibility for actions of guests
To comply with reasonable requests from residence life staff
Five Tips to Help Prevent Roommate Issues
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Communicate with each other – start discussing issues regarding which items you are willing to share and what items you want to keep private before you arrive on campus.
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Take the roommate contract seriously – it is a tool that will only help you if you are honest and expect conflict to occur, because it will.
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Do not expect that your roommate will be your best friend – while there is potential that your freshman roommate will turn out to be a good friend, the odds of two random people becoming best friends is just not always possible.
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Be considerate of each other – think about how your actions impact your roommate(s), if there is any question in your mind at all, just ask.
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Be open and honest – if something your roommate does bugs you, let them know. The longer that you let the issues go, the more frustrated you will get, and the harder it will be for the annoying behavior to be stopped.
Steps to Resolving a Roommate Conflict
Speak to your roommate(s) directly. State your issues neutrally. Replay feelings. Offer resolutions. Be prepared to listen. Be willing to reach a compromise.
All first-years should fill out a “Roommate Contract” early in the Fall Semester. If you haven’t done one and would like to, please ask your student staff member for a copy. This is a document that will open up communication about common issues and get the roommates to think about possible issues that will arise throughout the year or work through current issues. It is a document that is meant to be flexible and adjusted when all of the roommates see fit to make changes.
Ask your CA (Community Advisor) or other staff member to intervene by meeting with all roommates to mediate the discussion. His/her role is that of a neutral mediator to guide the discussion and work to reach a compromise to resolve the problem.
In more severe situations, the Area Coordinator or Director of Residence Life may step in to help mediate the conflict, and as a last resort, set forth regulations to ensure a safe and comfortable living environment and resolve the conflict.
§ Discuss “Questions to Ask Each Other” (above) as soon as possible.
§ Be realistic. Don’t expect your roommate to be your best friend and constant companion. Continuous close contact can strain even the best of friendships.
§ Keep the lines of communication open.
§ Discuss potential areas of conflict. Be open to compromises.
§ If your roommate is doing something you don’t like, don’t repress your feelings. It’s usually better to air gripes immediately rather than to store up a lot of petty grievances until you have a major blow-up.
§ Be considerate of your roommate’s privacy.
§ Never assume your roommate is just like you. You are both individuals.
§ Always ask permission. Don’t just use the iron or eat the cookies, even if you think it might be OK.
§ Appreciate your roommate. Praise, respect and courtesy are the foundations for any positive relationship. Never take your roommate for granted.
§ Avoid being judgmental. You are not your roommate’s keeper.
§ Be honest, assertive and stand up for yourself.
§ Ask your Community Assistant (CA), House Assistant (HA), or Area Coordinator (AC) for advice. They are trained to help mediate conflicts.
Tips to Keep Your Room and Personal Property Safe
Do not give out your room combination.
Make sure no one is looking over your back when you are entering in your combination.
Take the time to get up and open your door, instead of yelling the combo to someone to let themselves in.
If you believe that someone has your room combination, contact your area coordinator or CA know.
A Guide to the First Phone Conversation with Your Roommate
It is the first chance to start building a relationship with your roommate and setting the groundwork for you to successfully live together. The conversation should be more than who is going to bring the television, you need to take the time to talk and start to learn about each other.
Step One: Getting to Know Each Other
The basics: Hometown? Possible Major? Talents? Hobbies? Family? Favorite Foods? Why did you choose Simpson?
Step Two: Going a Little Deeper
Have each person tell their life history in about 5-minutes. In this short amount of time you can start seeing what is important to each other and what events have helped shape their life to this point. It will also give each of you things to go back and ask each other questions about.
Step Three: How to Set Up the Room
Talk through everything and do not assume anything. This should be a thorough conversation where you talk about everything that will be in the room. You should make sure you talk about what items you are willing to share and which ones you want to keep private. Do not assume that just because your roommate is bringing a computer that you will be able to use it or if they buy food that you will be able to eat it. Also ask and make sure that your roommate is comfortable with items that you may want to bring.
Step Four: Stay in Contact
Set-up other times to talk before you come on campus, the more often you talk to your roommate the more comfortable you will be with them when you start living together. If at all possible, you should arrange a time to get together and meet face-to-face. It will make the first day on campus much better knowing that when you arrive you will see a familiar face.